The Holy Spirit and Your Marriage: Expressing Love

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=50 BGCOLOR="#333366" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <B>The Holy Spirit and Your Marriage: Expressing Love</B></div> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=165 BGCOLOR="#CCCC99" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <B> <TABLE BORDER="0" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="132" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="VOID" RULES="NONE" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 35 ><NOBR><div> <A HREF="id435.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Holy Spirit and Your Marriage"><U><B><IMG SRC="007151d0.gif" border=0 width="21" height="29" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></U></A></div> </NOBR></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP><NOBR><div> <A HREF="id437.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Respect Among Parents and Children"><U><B><IMG SRC="008151d0.gif" border=0 width="21" height="29" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></U></A></div> </NOBR></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="20"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="35" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="20" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP><NOBR><div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="29" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" WIDTH="13"></div> </NOBR></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP><NOBR><div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="29" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" WIDTH="27"></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></B></div> <div> Previous/Next Sermon</div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="www.stanbaker.org"><U><B>Home</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id2.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Biblical and Theological Studies"><U><B>Biblical and Theological Studies</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id3.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Church Ministry"><U><B>Church Ministry</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id15.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Sermon Notes"><U>Sermon Notes</U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id4.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Links"><U><B>Links</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id5.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Personal"><U><B>Personal</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> www.stanbaker.org</div> <div> <A HREF="mailto:stan@stanbaker.org" TARGET="_top" TITLE="mailto:stan@stanbaker.org"><U>stan@stanbaker.org</U></A></div> </td> <td valign="top" height=430 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <B>"The Holy Spirit and Your Marriage: Expressing Love" </B></div> <div> <B>Berean Bible Church, February 15, 2004</B></div> <bR> <div>      How not to express love: "Man issues fake obituary for wife" (March 13, 2001) LINCOLN, Neb. - "It was an odd Valentine's Day gift, but Steve Schulte didn't want to settle for roses or chocolates when he could pen some romantic prose for his wife. Morbidly, it turned out to be her obituary. The tribute, printed in the March 4 edition of the Lincoln Journal Star, ended with a benediction: `May you shine in peace knowing that your life is eternal and that a mansion is being prepared for you.' Frantic friends telephoned, sobbing. Neighbors showed up on the family's doorstep offering to help with the children. The telephone rang and rang. `People were trying to find my body,' said Diana Schulte, the 39-year-old mother of three. 'I had to keep telling them, `Yeah, I'm alive.' Steve Schulte said he didn't think about the ramifications of the joke gift. `It was a male tunnel vision thing,' he said. `I wanted her to see what her obituary really is.' `Hey, it was really sweet,' said Diana Schulte, `but a little disclaimer would have been nice.'" Guys, this is not the best way to communicate to your spouse how much you love and respect her!</div> <div>      Last week, we learned that we need to have mutual love and respect for each other. Like all obedience, it goes beyond what we feel and think; it transforms our behavior. Love and respect for your spouse will show up in how you treat your spouse, how you talk to them, and whether or not you put their needs ahead of their own. Submission in spirit-filled relationships goes both ways, even within authority structures (see Ephesians 5:21).</div> <bR> <div> <B>I. Marriage requires mutual respect and a mutual sharing of love.</B></div> <div> A. <A HREF="http://www.biblegateway.com/bible?passage=1Pet+3:1-7" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.biblegateway.com/bible?passag"><U>1 Peter 3:1-7</U></A> - Show mutual respect, wife to husband, husband to wife (see <A HREF="http://www.biblegateway.com/bible?passage=1Pet+2:17" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.biblegateway.com/bible?passag"><U>2:17</U></A>). </div> <div>      The only way any marriage can work effectively is when both partners respect each other. But you have to do your part, regardless of what your spouse does. Wives are challenged to the follow the leadership of their husband, even if he is not a believer. Her righteous behavior has a good chance of transforming him. Husbands, be considerate and respectful; discover her needs and desires and seek to meet them; she is your partner and spiritual equal.</div> <div>      John Maxwell talks about the principle of "reciprocal relationships." Over time, people will begin to treat you the way you treat them. If you sow seeds of respect and kindness, you will receive respect and kindness; if you sow seeds of selfishness and rudeness, you will experience the selfishness and rudeness of others.</div> <div> B. <A HREF="http://www.biblegateway.com/bible?passage=1Cor+7:1-6" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.biblegateway.com/bible?passag"><U>1 Corinthians 7:1-6</U></A> - Meet one another's needs; you focus on the other, while the other focuses on your needs. Each belongs to the other - each does not belong to themselves or to just one partner. </div> <div>      But it starts with you. You are responsible for you and your actions and attitudes. Don't wait until your spouse finally gets it right. In their book <I>Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts </I>(p. 23) Les and Leslie Parrott wrote, "An attorney we know who handles many divorce cases told us that the number-one reason two people split up is that they `refuse to accept the fact that they are married to a <I>human being</I>.'" You did not marry someone perfect. Get over it and get on with your life - together. Remember to share grace, because God has been so gracious to you. Be quick to confess your faults, and be quick to forgive. Above all, be quick to express love. Take the initiative.</div> <bR> <div> <B>II. Express love in ways your spouse understands.</B></div> <div> <B>A. Understand the basic emotional needs of your spouse.</B>(See Willard Harley, <I>His Needs, Her Needs</I>.)</div> <div>      <U>A wife's major emotional needs</U>: Affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial support, family commitment. </div> <div>      <U>A husband's major emotional needs</U>: Sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, domestic support, admiration.</div> <div>      Focus on the other. The more you meet the needs of your spouse, the better your spouse will feel about meeting your needs. The relationship will grow and will more likely be protected from outside pressures and temptations.</div> <div> <B>B. Understand how your spouse feels loved.</B></div> <div>      Comedian Ken Davis told the following in his book <I>Lighten Up</I>: "For the first 15 years of my marriage, I was a terrible husband. Diane held a full-time job, became my secretary, mothered our daughters, and waited on me hand and foot without demanding that I lift a finger to help. I loved my wife very much, but I hadn't learned how to show my love. God used a vacuum cleaner to teach me. First, I learned that our cat was terrified of vacuum cleaners. That kept me entertained for about an hour. Then, as I vacuumed in one direction, a stripe would appear. Entranced, I striped the whole room. Then I went crossways, creating a checkerboard pattern. I got so carried away that I dusted the furniture and straightened the entire house. I was in my easy chair once again when Diane came home. She struggled through the door with a bag of groceries under each arm, kicked the door shut with one foot, and then took in the house with an expert glance. Her mouth dropped open. Slowly the bags slipped from her grasp and dropped to the floor. `Who did this?' she asked. `I did,' I said. Without warning, she attacked. Diving on me, she smothered me with kisses and hugs, showering gratitude on me. The kisses grew more passionate. We [even] broke the chair! The vacuum taught me an important lesson: Love is expressed with more than just words."</div> <div>      Of course, genuine love can be expressed or communicated in a variety of ways. But it must be expressed in practical ways that clearly communicate it to your spouse. Saying "I love you" is a good thing, but expressing it a love <I>language</I> your spouse understands is also necessary. Here are five basic ways or "languages" in which love  is expressed and felt. </div> <div>      Gary Chapman wrote <I>The Five Love Languages</I>. They are 1.) Words of affirmation; 2.) Quality time; 3.) Receiving gifts; 4.) Acts of service; and 5.) Physical touch. All of them are important for any relationship, but one or two may really stand out and have an impact on an individual, and what has great impact on one partner may not be what has a great impact on the other spouse. Learn the primary love languages of your spouse and tell them what your primary love languages are. Then work on communicating love to each other using those love languages.</div> <div>      It is a familiar story: A husband is out working and working, thinking that by earning a good paycheck, he is  communicating that he loves his family. Meanwhile, his family sits home without him, wondering if husband and dad really loves them, because he never spends time with them. Maybe he thinks buying his wife gifts is going to make up for his being away all the time, but not necessarily. On the other hand, maybe a wife thinks acts of service are all it takes to communicate love, but he desperately needs to hear words of affirmation from her.</div> <div>      Let your spouse tell you what they need and want from you. Discuss together: "What do I do that makes you feel loved? "When do you most feel valued by me?" "What do I do that causes you to feel <I>less</I> than loved and valued?"</div> <div>       If your spouse does not feel loved, they will be open to dissatisfaction in the relationship - they may seek to have their needs and desires met in inappropriate ways (<A HREF="http://www.biblegateway.com/bible?passage=1Cor+7:5" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.biblegateway.com/bible?passag"><U>1 Cor 7:5</U></A>). Don't force them to face that temptation. Seek to meet their needs.</div> <bR> <div>      Show respect to your spouse, but also lovingly communicate with your spouse what you need and desire. If you have failed your spouse, confess to them and ask them to forgive you. And commit to showing respect. You cannot make up for the past. But you can start today to become the kind of husband or wife that God intends you to be. You may have to wait until your spouse comes around and really trusts you and responds. But you are responsible before God for what you do.</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> copyright, 2004, Stanley Baker</div> <div> www.stanbaker.org</div> </td> </tr></table></body>