Handling Conflict

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=50 BGCOLOR="#333366" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <B>Handling Conflict</B></div> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=165 BGCOLOR="#CCCC99" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <B> <TABLE BORDER="0" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="132" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="VOID" RULES="NONE" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 35 ><NOBR><div> <A HREF="id301.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Quality Communication"><U><B><IMG SRC="007151d0.gif" border=0 width="21" height="29" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></U></A></div> </NOBR></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP><NOBR><div> <A HREF="id302.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Staying Together"><U><B><IMG SRC="008151d0.gif" border=0 width="21" height="29" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></U></A></div> </NOBR></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="20"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="35" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="20" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP><NOBR><div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="29" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" WIDTH="13"></div> </NOBR></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP><NOBR><div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="29" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" WIDTH="27"></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></B></div> <div> Previous/Next Sermon</div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="www.stanbaker.org"><U><B>Home</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id2.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Biblical and Theological Studies"><U><B>Biblical and Theological Studies</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id3.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Church Ministry"><U><B>Church Ministry</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id15.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Sermon Notes"><U>Sermon Notes</U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id4.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Links"><U><B>Links</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id5.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Personal"><U><B>Personal</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> www.stanbaker.org</div> <div> <A HREF="mailto:stan@stanbaker.org" TARGET="_top" TITLE="mailto:stan@stanbaker.org"><U>stan@stanbaker.org</U></A></div> </td> <td valign="top" height=430 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <B>“</B><B><U>Handling Conflict</U></B><B>: Improving your relationship while dealing with issues” </B></div> <div> <B>Berean Bible Church, April 21, 2002am</B></div> <bR> <div> <I>     </I>A man who had attended church for 25 years, who was respected, and was a leader in the church, came to his pastor and said, “Pastor, I’ve got something to tell you. I’ve never told this to a soul, and it is extremely difficult to tell you this now, but my wife and I have had a fight every day for the past 30 years of our marriage.” </div> <div> The pastor was taken back and didn’t know what to say to the man. Praying for time to gather his thoughts, he said, “Every day?” “Yes, every day.” “Did you fight today before you came to church?” “Yes.” “Well, how did it end up?” “She came crawling to me on her hands and knees.” “What did she say?” “Come out from under that bed, you coward, and fight like a man!”</div> <div> <I>     </I>There are several ways people handle conflict: Some prefer a “knock down, drag out” style; others prefer to be very analytical (just the facts, no feelings); still others opt for total avoidance if at all possible. Of course, there are also many things couples fight about: how to handle money; how to raise the kids; who has “control;” unspoken expectations entering marriage (how many children, how much time to spend with the in-laws, time spent together, roles in the home, such as who does what around the house); different values (spend or save money, sleep late or get up early, church attendance, generous or not); personality differences (out-going or introverted and quiet; controlling or yielding). </div> <div>      The issue is not <I>if</I> you have conflict, but <I>how</I> you handle it! Marriage can be strengthened or weakened depending on how you deal with conflict. How couples handle disagreements is far more important in preserving the marriage than how much in love they are (Parrotts, <I>Saving Your Marriage</I>, 113). This sermon discusses how to handle conflict so your marriage is strengthened, not weakened and destroyed.</div> <bR> <div> <B>I. Examining the Bible About Conflict.</B></div> <div> A. Colossians 3:12-19: Pursue peace in your married relationship.</div> <div>      Peace is not necessarily the absence of, or avoidance of, conflict. Peace is the result of how conflict is handled. Conflict should be handled in a way that honors God and strengthens the relationship.</div> <div> Vs. 12, Be compassionate, kind, gentle.</div> <div> Vs. 13, Be forbearing and forgiving.</div> <div> Vs. 14, Be loving.</div> <div> Vs. 15, Let peace in Christ be a governing principle in your relationship, and be thankful.</div> <div> Vs. 16, Be filled up on the word and worship of God.</div> <div> Vs. 17, Be focused on the glory of God in everything you do and say.</div> <div> Vs. 18, Wives, follow the leadership of your husband.</div> <div> Vs. 19, Husbands, love your wife and be gentle with them (don’t be angered, bitter, resentful). This is not “command and control” leadership, but servanthood, showing mutual respect and seeking mutual benefit (Mark 10:35-45, if you want to be great, be a servant; John 13:3-17, Jesus knew he had God’s power, so he got up to serve; Eph 5: 25, love like Christ, by giving).</div> <div> B. Galatians 5:16-26: Peace in your relationship is a result of the control of the Holy Spirit.</div> <div> Vs. 20, Hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions are evidence of the control of the sinful nature in one’s life.</div> <div> Vss. 22-23, The control of the Holy Spirit shows up in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, . . . gentleness.</div> <div> Vs. 26, Christians are called to humility, unity.</div> <div>      Allowing the Spirit to have control in your life happens by your choice (under the power of God). Continually be in the Word of God and praying. Keep telling God that you are giving control of your words, actions, and attitudes over to him, and let him have control.</div> <bR> <div> <B>II. Applying Practical Principles For Dealing with Conflict.</B></div> <div> A. Speak up when you are angry or have an “issue.” </div> <div>      Eph 4:25-26, Speak the truth, and don’t hold in anger.  Don’t avoid conflict just because you don’t like it (nobody is supposed to “like” conflict). Be honest with yourself and with your spouse. (If you are always “speaking up,” criticizing and complaining, it takes the urgency out of areas that are truly important.) A wise old sage advised, “If you don’t carry out the garbage, one day your house will become a dump.” </div> <div>      Use word pictures as a way to help understand each others point of view? If the weather reflected your feelings, what would it be? Sunny and green? Stormy? Dreary? Gauge your level of feelings / importance about an issue. An example is “Conflict cards” - Level 1. “I’m not enthusiastic, but no big deal.”  Level 6. “I do not approve, and I need more time.” Level 10. “Over my dead body.” (Parrotts, p. 125.)</div> <div>      Avoid defensiveness when your spouse speaks up. (“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” Prov 15:1.) Listen and seek to understand what your spouse is saying.</div> <div> B. Define and discuss the issue.</div> <div>      Don’t attack the person, deal with the issue at hand. Make the <I>real</I> problem clear. Distinguish between symptoms and the real issue. An argument about being late for dinner may be about <U>quality time</U> and <U>priorities</U>. An argument about not calling before being late may be about <U>trust</U>.</div> <div> C. Think win-win, not win-lose. </div> <div>      When you “win” and the other person loses, you lose as well, ultimately. Requires respect and <I>humility</I> (Gal 5:26; you don’t always have to “win” the conflict). </div> <div> D. Keep conflict in an environment of total commitment. </div> <div>      Conflict can strengthen a relationship when it happens in an environment of safety, security, and mutual respect. Conflict can destroy a relationship if the relationship is not secure beforehand. Larry Cunningham (Billings, Montana), wrote in <I>Reader's Digest</I>, “We were visiting friends when they received a telephone call from their recently married daughter. After several tense minutes on the phone, the mother told the father to pick up the extension. The newlyweds had had their first big fight. In a few moments, the father rejoined us and tersely explained, "Said she wanted to come home." "What did you tell her?" I asked. "I told her she was home."” Don’t threaten to abandon the relationship during times of conflict.</div> <div> E. Use apologies – don’t abuse them. </div> <div>      Be genuine. Don’t just say you are sorry to end the conflict. Apologize when you understand the hurt you have caused, but recognize that a quick apology does not remove the hurt.</div> <div> F. Keep filling your spouse’s “love tank.” </div> <div>      Conflict can reveal unmet emotional needs (see part one of this series).</div> <bR> <div>      Your spouse is not perfect, but how you respond to that is your choice. Will you handle your differences in ways that strengthen or harm your relationship? Let the Holy Spirit control your approach to conflict.</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> copyright, 2002, Stanley Baker</div> <div> www.stanbaker.org</div> </td> </tr></table></body>