Staying Together

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=50 BGCOLOR="#333366" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <B>Staying Together</B></div> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=165 BGCOLOR="#CCCC99" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <B> <TABLE BORDER="0" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="132" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="VOID" RULES="NONE" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 35 ><NOBR><div> <A HREF="id303.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Handling Conflict"><U><B><IMG SRC="007151d0.gif" border=0 width="21" height="29" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></U></A></div> </NOBR></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP><NOBR><div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="29" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" WIDTH="21"></div> </NOBR></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="20"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="35" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="20" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP><NOBR><div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="29" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" WIDTH="13"></div> </NOBR></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP><NOBR><div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="29" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" WIDTH="27"></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></B></div> <div> Previous/Next Sermon</div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="www.stanbaker.org"><U><B>Home</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id2.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Biblical and Theological Studies"><U><B>Biblical and Theological Studies</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id3.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Church Ministry"><U><B>Church Ministry</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id15.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Sermon Notes"><U>Sermon Notes</U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id4.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Links"><U><B>Links</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id5.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Personal"><U><B>Personal</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> www.stanbaker.org</div> <div> <A HREF="mailto:stan@stanbaker.org" TARGET="_top" TITLE="mailto:stan@stanbaker.org"><U>stan@stanbaker.org</U></A></div> </td> <td valign="top" height=430 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <B>“</B><B><U>Staying Together</U></B><B>: Keeping Your Marriage Alive and Growing” </B></div> <div> <B>Berean Bible Church, </B><B>April 28, 2002am</B></div> <bR> <div>      Valerie L. Runyan wrote in Reader’s Digest, “Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. ‘You know, honey,’ I said sweetly, ‘without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married.’ ‘Honey,’ he replied with a grin, ‘without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!’” (Dec 1992.) How can couples grow old together? Divorce statistics among professing Christians are about the same as non-professing Christians. If anyone can, Christian couples should be able to make it to old age together. While there are no guarantees, divorce is also not “random.” There are steps you can take to keep your relationship alive and thriving. This talk is about how to have a marriage that not only lasts a long time, but grows and develops and gets better with age.</div> <bR> <div> <B>I. God expects husbands and wives to be faithful and committed to each other.</B></div> <div> A. Proverbs 5:15-23: Verse 19 holds out the challenge to be ever <I>captivated,</I> or<I> satisfied</I> by the love of your spouse. This goes ways beyond hanging in there together just because you have to. It offers the challenge of a growing relationship that continues to satisfy over the years. We are accountable to God for the quality and permanence of our marriage; there are painful consequences for failing to keep God’s laws on this matter.</div> <div> B. Malachi 2:13-16: Faithfulness to God and to your spouse are linked together. One man with one woman for life was God’s original design, and this has an influence on future generations.</div> <div> C. Matthew 19:3-9: God’s original, best design is marital faithfulness and permanence. Deut 24 was Moses’ regulations for divorce in order to protect women.</div> <div>      There is no exception clause for a “difficult marriage,” or “we just fell out of love,” or “we no longer have that connection.” What if you feel you married the wrong person? Recall 1 Cor 7:24, “remain in the situation you are in,” even if you think you married the “wrong” person, and you think you would be happier somewhere else. The person you are married to is the “right” person! There are ways to improve the relationship. So keep your commitment! The quality of your marriage is a product of your choices.</div> <bR> <div> <B>II. How to have a marriage that lasts, stays alive, and grows.</B></div> <div>      Faithfulness is not just keeping your wedding vow, it is staying committed to doing the little things that keep your relationship growing. The goal is to stay “captivated” by your spouse, not merely “held captive” by a vow.</div> <div> A. <U>Develop the habit of happiness.</U> </div> <div>      Choose joy (Phil 4:4). Bad attitudes and disunity go hand-in-hand (vs. 2-3). Roderick McFarlane wrote in Readers Digest (Dec 1992). “On her golden wedding anniversary, my grandmother revealed the secret of her long and happy marriage. ‘On my wedding day, I decided to choose ten of my husband's faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would overlook,’ she explained. A guest asked her to name some of the faults. ‘To tell the truth,’ she replied, ‘I never did get around to listing them. But whenever my husband did something that made me hopping mad, I would say to myself, “Lucky for him that's one of the ten.”’” Don’t <I>depend</I> on your spouse to “make you happy.” You choose the attitude that you have about your relationship.</div> <div> B. <U>Keep a positive balance in your spouse’s emotional bank account!</U></div> <div>      Your spouse should have a <I>positive emotional experience</I> when you are around them. What actions or words help your spouse feel loved? What “makes them happy” and feel good? Do those things, as though your spouse’s happiness depended on you. The essence of love is giving. Expecting your spouse to “make” <I>you</I> happy is the wrong focus. Ask them to help you feel loved and tell them how, but then focus on how you can help them feel loved. You both have to communicate your needs and desires to each other, and then each look out for the other, not for yourself. Remember the example of 1 Cor 7:3: Spouses are to meet each other’s sexual needs, having mutual concern for one another. (See the first talk in this series on “Styles of Love.”)</div> <div> C. <U>Discover and meet your spouse’s basic emotional needs</U> </div> <div>      (See Willard Harley’s book, <U>His Needs, Her Needs</U>). Give to your spouse what <I>they</I> need, not what <I>you</I> need; but communicate to them what you need. Spouses should pay attention to how to please each other (1 Cor 7:33, 34). <B>Her major emotional needs</B>: Affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial support, family commitment. <B>His major emotional needs</B>: Sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, domestic support, admiration.</div> <div>      Most people who cheat on their spouses do so, not because they found someone more physically attractive, but because they found someone they made an emotional connection and attraction with, someone who is meeting an unfulfilled need. Don’t make deep emotional connections with others of the opposite sex, especially if your marriage is in trouble. Protect yourself from flirtatiousness, an emotional attraction. Instead rekindle the emotional spark with your spouse. And protect your spouse from being open to temptation by doing what it takes to make sure their emotional and relational needs are met at home, by you.</div> <div> D. <U>Practice loving actions – loving feelings will follow</U>.</div> <div>      Remember the kinds of things you did for your spouse when you first fell in love. Do those things again. Loving feelings will follow. A woman seeking counsel from Dr. George W. Crane, the psychologist, confided that she hated her husband, and intended to divorce him. “I want to hurt him all I can,” she declared firmly. “Well, in that case,” said Dr. Crane, “I advise you to start showering him with compliments. When you have become indispensable to him, when he thinks you love him devotedly, then start the divorce action. That is the way to hurt him.” Some months later the wife returned to report that all was going well. She had followed the suggested course. “Good,” said Dr. Crane. “Now’s the time to file for divorce.” “Divorce!” the woman said indignantly. “Never. I love my husband dearly!” (From <I>Bits & Pieces</I>, Aug 22, 1991.)</div> <div> <U>E. Get connected in community with other couples.</U> </div> <div>      Get into a <B>small group</B>! Older couples can teach you how they worked things out through the hard times. Younger couples can pray with you and support you as you grow together with your spouse. And by all means, get counseling or some other kind of help if you need it. Don’t wait until it is too late.</div> <bR> <div>      Your home, your marriage is a reflection of the relationship between Christ and the church. Keep Christ at the center of your home. Be committed to doing the little things that will help you keep your commitment to stay together.</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> copyright, 2002, Stanley Baker</div> <div> www.stanbaker.org</div> </td> </tr></table></body>