Quality Communication

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Your words either contribute to a positive, sweet-smelling emotional air quality in your home, or your words can poison the atmosphere and give off an emotional foul smell. Every time you open your mouth, you affect the emotional atmosphere in your home, by the words you say and the tone of voice with which you speak.</div> <div>      “When psychologists Cliff Nortarius and Howard Markman studied newlyweds over the first decade of marriage, they discovered that couples who stayed together uttered 5 or fewer put-downs in every 100 comments to each other. But couples who inflicted twice as many verbal wounds - 10 or more putdowns out of every 100 comments - later split up” (from James Dobson, originally in US News and World Report).</div> <div> <I>     </I>If you knew you could dramatically improve, even save, your marriage by improving your communication skills, would you?</div> <bR> <div> <B>I. Biblical Principles Governing Communication:</B></div> <div> <B>A. Genesis 2:18-25</B>: Relational intimacy demands good communication.</div> <div>      United as “one flesh” and “naked and not ashamed” describe perfect relational intimacy (vss. 24-25). While the fall of man changed all that, relational intimacy with your spouse is still a high goal. Reaching intimacy and a close relationship demands good, honest, open communication.</div> <div> <B>B. Ephesians 4:21-32</B>: Your words can either help or hinder those around you. </div> <div>      A Christian should be marked by righteousness and holiness (vs. 24). The first area of application is <I>speech</I>. A Christian should speak the truth (vs. 25; 4:15, “speaking the truth in love”). Christians must deal with issues, not letting them linger and build into bitterness which leads to spiritual defeat (vss. 26-27). Followers of Christ must speak that which builds up, not tears down (vs. 29). “Unwholesome words” are harmful words (picture decaying, rotten words). Speak for the benefit of others. Communicate to build up and encourage. Replace negative words and comments (designed to tear down) with positive ones (designed to build up). The Holy Spirit is grieved when we hold bitterness in our hearts; therefore, get rid of bitterness and anger (vss. 30-31). Instead, be kind and readily forgive each other (intimacy demands flexibility and forgiveness; vs. 32). These challenges find their greatest application in the home.</div> <bR> <div> <B>II. Five Rules for Good communication.</B> (See Les and Leslie Parrott, <I>Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts</I>, p. 78f., 81ff.). </div> <div>      There are five basic levels of communication: exchanging greetings - facts - opinions - feelings - needs (Smalley, <I>Making Love Last Forever</I>, p. 142). The risk increases as you go up, but so does the opportunity for relational intimacy.</div> <div> A. Provide relational security. </div> <div>      There is the vital need for security and trust in order for people to be truly open. How open is communication among the contestants on “Survivor”? They are more open and honest with America in the interviews than they are with each other in the game. Why? Because there is no security in that kind of competition. Every one is out to win and defeat the others. Marriages and family cannot work like that. The family is a team, and the goal is to survive, together, as a unit. Here are three foundational elements that provide a sense of security so communication to take place freely.</div> <div> 1. Warmth – acceptance for who someone else is. Negative comments, put-downs, and regular criticisms don’t communicate acceptance and warmth. That creates an unsafe environment in which to openly communicate.</div> <div> 2. Genuineness – being real, not phony. Communication is mostly non-verbal (58% nonverbal; 35% tone of voice; 7% actual words; Parrott, p. 79). Non-verbal clues will help someone realize whether or not your are being genuine with them.</div> <div> 3. Empathy – seeing the world from your partner’s perspective, putting yourself in their shoes, adopting their view of the world. This demands listening.</div> <div> B. Avoid an accusing, critical tone. Make ‘I’ statements, not ‘you’ statements (as in “you never . . .” or “you always . . .”). “You always” statements set up a conflict rather than foster open and honest communication. “You always ignore me when I’m saying something important” can be changed to “I feel hurt when it seems like you are ignoring me when I am saying something I feel is important.” It communicates essentially the same thing, but not in a charge atmosphere of accusation.</div> <div> C. Practice reflective listening. Communication demands active listening (not thinking about what you are going to say while your spouse is talking to you). Listen intently, and ask for clarification about what your mate is trying to say; don’t assume that you get it the first time.</div> <div> D. Understand gender differences. According to research, women tend to communicate feelings, and men tend to try to solve problems: For example: <I>Wife</I> - “I have this issue with someone at work.” <I>Husband</I> - “Here’s how you can fix it.” Men, don’t turn a feelings-oriented conversation into a problem-solving conversation too quickly. Listen to your wife; let her express herself.</div> <div> E. Take responsibility for your words and actions. Understand the hurt your partner experiences when you use harmful words. Swallow your pride and apologize when you need to (the home is not the place to impress people, it is the place to be genuine).</div> <bR> <div>      Because a Christian is a new person in Christ (Eph 4:21-24), a change of life happens. Being a new person in Christ gives a new way of relating to the members of your family. Colossians 3:17 says, “Whatever you do <I>in word</I> or deed, do <I>all</I> to the glory of God.”</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> copyright, 2002, Stanley Baker</div> <div> www.stanbaker.org</div> </td> </tr></table></body>