Styles of Love

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=50 BGCOLOR="#333366" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <B>Styles of Love</B></div> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=165 BGCOLOR="#CCCC99" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <B> <TABLE BORDER="0" CELLPADDING="2" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="132" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="VOID" RULES="NONE" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 35 ><NOBR><div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="29" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" WIDTH="21"></div> </NOBR></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP><NOBR><div> <A HREF="id301.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Quality Communication"><U><B><IMG SRC="008151d0.gif" border=0 width="21" height="29" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></U></A></div> </NOBR></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="20"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="35" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="20" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP><NOBR><div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="29" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" WIDTH="13"></div> </NOBR></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP><NOBR><div> <IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="29" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" WIDTH="27"></div> </NOBR></tD> </tR> </TABLE></B></div> <div> Previous/Next Sermon</div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="www.stanbaker.org"><U><B>Home</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id2.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Biblical and Theological Studies"><U><B>Biblical and Theological Studies</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id3.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Church Ministry"><U><B>Church Ministry</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id15.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Sermon Notes"><U>Sermon Notes</U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id4.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Links"><U><B>Links</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id5.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Personal"><U><B>Personal</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> www.stanbaker.org</div> <div> <A HREF="mailto:stan@stanbaker.org" TARGET="_top" TITLE="mailto:stan@stanbaker.org"><U>stan@stanbaker.org</U></A></div> </td> <td valign="top" height=430 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <B>“</B><B><U>Styles of Love</U></B><B>: Showing love in ways your spouse can understand.” </B></div> <div> <B>Series: Building a Better Home, Part 1</B></div> <div> <B>Berean Bible Church, April 7, 2002am</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div>      Most marriages begin with great promise, great confidence that this is “it.” There are wonderful emotions associated with the beginning of the marital relationship. But in the assumptions of many people (and in the experience of many), it is all downhill from there. The change from the dating experience to the marriage experience is often perceived as a negative change.</div> <div>      You may have experienced the tension of <U>knowing</U> that you love your spouse but realizing that he or she does not <U>see</U> it, or does not <U>feel</U> it, maybe because you are not expressing love in a way that they understand. Love is not just a cognitive awareness (in your brain). It involves feelings and emotions; it involves the heart, not just the head (you don’t <U>feel</U> loved if you know your spouse is still with you just because they have decided to stay even though they don’t want to).</div> <div>      We need to know how to demonstrate love in ways our spouse understands, so that he or she <U>feels</U> loved by us. This is essential to having a marriage relationship that gets better with the passing of time.</div> <bR> <div> <B>I.</B> <B>Love should always show up in action.</B></div> <div> A. Ephesians 5:25-35 says, “Husbands, love your wife as Christ loved the church.” Love is expressed by <U>giving</U> (vs. 25, 29). Love is not primarily romantic feelings, but it is the giving of oneself in total commitment (loving feelings generally follow loving action).</div> <div>      Our church wants to help families be spiritually and relationally healthy. How you live in relationship to your family and loved ones is a major part of being a grown-up follower of Christ (“If your Christianity doesn’t work at home, it doesn’t work; don’t export it;” Howard Hendricks). Marriage is a reflection of Christ and his relationship with the church (Eph 5:31-32)! Would an outsider see an accurate reflection of Christ and his church if they spent time in your home?</div> <div> B. We have an emotional need to <U>feel</U> loved. (This is true both for kids, and adults.)</div> <div>      Consider the “love tank” concept (similar to “political capital,” or leadership “change in your pocket,” etc). Everyone has an emotional reservoir or emotional bank account. A politician with some “political capital” can make some mistakes and it is no big deal. A leader with “change in his pocket” can blunder a few things, and people will forgive and keep following him. It is because an investment has been made in the relationship, and thus the relationship is good. The same mistakes without a good relationship could cost the politician or the leader his or her job.</div> <div>      If a husband commits a specific mistake or error (for example, getting home late with calling first), and it is “the last straw,” that may  indicate an empty love tank. The husband has not been making positive emotional deposits in his wife’s emotional bank account; instead he has been making withdrawals. Eventually, what may seem like no big deal to him <U>is</U> a big deal because her love tank or emotional bank account is empty.</div> <div>      Making deposits in an emotional account, or filling up a person’s love tank, demands finding ways to help them <U>feel</U> loved. Think about this: even if you know your spouse loves you, do you <U>feel</U> loved when your spouse criticizes you or says negative things about you in public? That is a withdrawal from your emotional account.</div> <div>      A major benefit of helping your spouse <U>feel</U> loved is that they will feel more secure in your relationship. Just knowing in their head that someone loves them, but not feeling it their heart, does not help them feel secure in the love someone has for them. Help your spouse feel loved. Your relationship will not thrive in an insecure environment.</div> <bR> <div> <B>II. Learn major ways of showing and receiving love.</B> </div> <div>      There are active styles or action steps for expressing and receiving love. The following list of ways to show love is from the book <I>The Five Love Languages</I> by Gary Chapman. Different people emphasize one or two of these styles of showing and understanding love. Showing love to your spouse in a way they can understand will help them to feel loved by you.</div> <div> 1. <U>Words of affirmation</U>.</div> <div>      Proverbs 18:21 says, “The tongue has the power of life and death.” Proverbs 12:25 says, “An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.” Words have a powerful effect. Proverbs 31:28 says of the virtuous woman: “Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.” The virtuous woman is married to a wise man! Words of affirmation include verbal compliments, encouraging or uplifting words, kind words, requests rather than demands; even your tone of voice and body language can communicate affirmation.</div> <div> 2. <U>Quality time</U>.</div> <div>      Quality time is togetherness with focused attention. 1 Corinthians 7:33-34 says, “a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world--how he can please his wife . . . [and] a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world--how she can please her husband.” Caring how to please your spouse takes time and attention. Quality time requires activities together, that should be mutually enjoyed, even if it means some sacrifice (doing something you don’t like, but which your spouse likes); it means meals together, with focused attention. Be careful - does the TV or computer or internet hinder your marriage?</div> <div> 3. <U>Receiving gifts</U>. </div> <div>      "Gifts are visible symbols of love” (p. 75). A gift says, “I was thinking of you.” Cost is not the main issue. If you are a penny pincher, but your spouse understands love by receiving gifts, loosen up and invest some money in gifts that express love. Don’t be a penny pincher if it can help improve your marriage!</div> <div> 4. <U>Acts of service</U>.</div> <div>      Ephesians 5 shows that acts of service are a part of love. In John 13:3-17, Christ washed the feet of his disciples – he demonstrated his love. Kevin Leman wrote a book called “Sex Begins in the Kitchen,” because helping your spouse with the dishes (just one example) may fill their emotional love tank. If their emotional love tank is full, they may be more interested in physical intimacy.</div> <div> 5. <U>Physical touch</U>. </div> <div>      Physical touch includes holding hands, giving a back or shoulder rub, sitting close to each other, as well as physical intimacy. Some spouses really feel loved when their spouse showers non-sexual touches on them throughout the day.</div> <bR> <div>      The five “love languages” above are all good ways to express love, but most people are most affected by just one or two of the languages. It is “the love language that they speak.” A husband may love to give gifts to his wife, but she would really feel most loved if he spent quality time with her (but he may be working all the time to afford nice gifts; thus she does not feel loved). A wife may enjoy serving her husband, but what he may need are words of affirmation and appreciation. A husband may say nice things to and about his wife, but she would feel really loved if he helped out around the house, or she may crave his touch.</div> <div>      Everyone has one or two “dominant love languages,” the way or ways in which a they feel most loved (that is not to say that the rest are unimportant). For the sake of improving your relationship, discover the ways in which your spouse feels most loved. Speak the right love language to them, and in doing so you will fill their emotional love account. Remember that “the success of a marriage comes not in finding the ‘right’ person, but in the ability of both partners to <U>adjust to the real person</U> they inevitably realize they married” (John Fisher, in Parrott and Parrott, <I>Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts</I>, p. 27).</div> <bR> <div> <B>III. Discover your spouse’s love language.</B></div> <div>      When you were dating, you probably very focused on treating your future mate in ways they appreciated. It was intuitive. 1 Peter 3:7 says, “Be considerate of your wife.” Live with your spouse in an understanding way, or according to knowledge. Find out what helps them to really feel loved by you.</div> <div>      Here are several questions you can discuss with your spouse so that you both can discover your love languages.</div> <div> 1. “I feel most loved by my spouse when ______.” </div> <div> 2. “I often try to show love to my spouse by _____.” The way in which naturally try to show love to your spouse gives a major clue as to what your own love language is.</div> <div> 3. “I feel most ‘let down’ or failed by my spouse when _____.” Ways in which you feel failed by your spouse might give a clue as to the love language you wish they were speaking to you in.</div> <div> 4. “I often ask my spouse to ______, or wish my spouse would ______.” Areas of criticism for you spouse provide clues to your major love language.</div> <div>      We may think that the way we naturally receive love must be the way our spouse also receives love, but not necessarily. Discuss these questions with your spouse, and observe your relationship after you learn the languages.</div> <bR> <div> <I>     </I>Recognize that love for your spouse should always be evident in your actions. Discover the best ways in which to show your spouse that you love them. Marriage can still be “happily ever after.” Your relationship with your spouse can become better over time.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>But it doesn’t happen by accident. You and your mate both have to make the effort to keep your emotional love accounts full and growing.</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> copyright, 2002, Stanley Baker</div> <div> www.stanbaker.org</div> </td> </tr></table></body>